Learning to Relinquish Demands for Validation in the Professional Sphere
My client, Laura, was known for being a caring and team-focused leader. She regularly checked in on her team's well-being, ensured they weren't swamped and provided guidance during tough moments. Everybody felt comfortable approaching her, valuing her genuine interest in their thoughts – a quality that was somewhat scarce among other executives at the organization.
However, beneath Laura's friendly facade lurked a strong yearning for approval. In meetings, she would nervously scan the room for reactions. A positive nod from a colleague boosted her morale, but a neutral expression or subtle frown resonated with self-doubt. Despite her proficiency, Laura would hesitate to conclude decisions without consensus from all cross-functional collaborators, often prolonging processes for weeks or even months under the pretext of seeking input.
A 360-degree feedback session served as a turning point in Laura's journey. She discovered that her reluctance to provide constructive criticism or address issues resulted in confusion and unclear boundaries within her team. Although her approachability was appreciated, her team yearned for more decisive leadership. This realization marked a significant awakening, highlighting how her good intentions were obstructing both her effectiveness and the team's success.
As an executive coach specializing in leaders who are hyper-sensitive to others' concerns (which I call Sensitive Achievers), I've encountered numerous individuals like Laura who allow their obsession with approval to impair their leadership. Although seeking acceptance and commendation is natural, letting your self-worth and decision-making hinge excessively on others' opinions, or bending your principles to evade condemnation, is detrimental.
So, how can you strike a balance between trusting in yourself and respecting others' opinions? Here are some strategies to break free from the cycle of seeking constant validation:
Validate Your Gut Instincts.
In the heat of professional life, it's simple to fall into routine behaviors, especially when stressed. A gut check works as a pause button, aiding you in assessing whether your go-to responses align with the team and organization's best interests, or if they're merely a ploy for acceptance. This soul-searching also enables you to distinguish your personal motivations (like your values, convictions, or true interest) from external influences (like longing for praise, dreading criticism, or yearning to fit in). A gut check harmonizes your intuition with reason, ensuring that your concerns don't obstruct logic and long-term objectives.
Next time you face a decision, inquire, “Am I doing this because it's right, or because I yearn to be seen in a certain light?” This differentiation helps you distinguish a genuine desire for modesty, diligence, or accommodativeness, from an urge for validation. You can also engage in a rebuttal debate with yourself. Counter your opinions by arguing against your own beliefs or decisions, as if you were an external critic.
Establish Your Own Standpoint.
It's easy to be swayed by others if you're not firm in your convictions. You might end up siding with the loudest voice in the room out of a desire to maintain harmony, not due to your genuine agreement. Before a meeting or significant discussion, delve into the information, mull it over, and form your conclusions. Avoid seeking out others' feedback or opinions until you've solidified your opinions.
Formulating your own opinion early on doesn't make you stubborn. It's about being clear about your beliefs. Understanding your perspective as valid and grounded in your unique experiences and knowledge reduces the need for others' approval. It also allows you to review your position thoughtfully when new information arises, instead of simply going along with the flow to fit in.
Employ the "So What?" Strategy.
If you find yourself enduring stress over others' opinions, try the "So what?" test:
- So what if this decision isn't popular with everyone?
- So what if it doesn't cater to every preference?
- So what if I need to modify my views later?
This straightforward method helps you step back and acquire a balanced point of view. It shifts your focus from trying to please everyone to making choices that are true to your principles.
Most of the time, you'll recognize that the worst-case scenarios you conjure up are unwarranted or improbable. You'll also start to understand that criticism and setbacks are inherent to the leadership path, not indicators of failure. The aim is to progress from fearing disapproval to viewing challenges as opportunities for development and growth.
Allow a Day to Lapse.
When Laura, the client I mentioned earlier, received varying reactions to a suggestion she proposed, her initial inclination was to approach the executive team for instant approval to alleviate her insecurities. However, she opted to delay taking any action instead, giving herself time to cool off. This pause enabled Laura to distinguish between valuable feedback and mere resistance to change.
You can implement a rule for yourself to defer responding to contentious or emotionally charged matters for 24 hours. This break offers you a chance to regain perspective and allow your emotions to settle, allowing you to react more thoughtfully. Frequently, the impulse to seek instant approval or make hasty decisions wanes away. If you continue to seek validation during this waiting period, engage with a trustworthy mentor or peer for their insights instead of simply soliciting approval.
Keep Your Promises to Yourself.
Honoring the promises you make to yourself – be it fulfilling your basic needs or voicing your ideas – helps build self-trust. Over time, this self-trust reduces your reliance on external validation. Each time you adhere to a commitment to yourself, you strengthen your dependability and integrity, which are essential for making confident decisions and sticking to them.
Begin by establishing minor, attainable pledges. It might involve something as straightforward as taking a midday break to rejuvenate or allocating hours for job advancement. The secret is to select vows that hold significance but are still feasible inside your present limitations. Should you encounter difficulty in fulfilling a promise, regard it as input to revise your strategy rather than lashing out self-critically.
Relinquishing the urge for continuous affirmation in the workplace doesn't signify a loss of compassion. Wise leaders master the art of equilibrium, encompassing compassion and resolution, certainty and mercy, and gentleness and fortitude.
After recognizing the impact of her need for approval on her leadership, Laura started validating her gut instincts by regularly assessing whether her decisions were in the team's best interest or driven by a desire for validation. This self-reflection helped her distinguish her personal motivations from external influences.
During meetings, Laura also made an effort to establish her own standpoint by forming her opinions before seeking feedback from others. By doing so, she reduced her reliance on others' approval and became more confident in her decision-making.
