Guiding Strategies for Alleviating Anxious-Avoidant Partnerships (Recognizing the Moment to Depart)
Struggling to navigate a relationship with an insecure partner? Not sure if it's worth fighting for or time to move on? Well, you ain't alone, buddy! I've heard it all - the endless questions of "How can I fix my anxious-avoidant relationship?" and "When should I ditch them?"
If you find yourself chasing a partner or feeling like you're being chased, you might be stuck in a toxic relationship pattern due to avoidant or anxious behaviors. So, can anxious and avoidant relationships work? Let's find out!
First things first, what's your attachment style? Take the quiz to find out!
So, what's an anxious-avoidant relationship, you ask? Let's break it down! It all comes down to attachment theory, which consists of four styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure). These styles are formed as children and continue to affect us in our adult romantic relationships, essentially setting the blueprint for how we give and receive love.
Attachment styles fall into two primary categories: secure or insecure. Insecure attachment styles are usually classified as anxious or avoidant - or both. Anxious adults struggle with feelings of unworthiness and a desire for approval and stability. Avoidant adults, on the other hand, avoid commitment because they are afraid of being emotionally smothered or over-controlled and have a desire for personal freedom and autonomy.
I like to think of Anxious people as "Open Hearts", Avoidant types as "Rolling Stones", and Disorganized, as "Spice of Lifers". I do this because the original labels - anxious and avoidant - can be a bit harsh and can also be self-fulfilling. Plus, they don't accurately describe what they're labeling. For example, anxious people sometimes reach for connection when threatened, and avoidant people sometimes avoid anxiety!
Open Hearts are partners who try hard to impress their partners, capable of tremendous generosity, as well as big emotional highs and lows. Despite their efforts, it seems to push others away. Rolling Stones, on the other hand, are dismissive-avoidant. They're cut off from their emotions, making it hard for them to reach deep, loving, and reciprocal emotions. They can also seem selfish, but they perceive it as self-preservation. Spice of Lifers are suspicious and distrustful of other people's emotions and their own ability to sustain a healthy romantic relationship. They also want connection, while at the same time are terrified of it, sending a lot of mixed signals and being very confused and doubting.
Understanding your attachment style and that of your partner is key to improving your relationships. Signs of an anxious partner include feeling like you're always dating the same type of person, feeling neglected, being intrusive, being sensitive and taking everything personally, being critical, negative, and interpreting most situations as such, and being controlling and pressuring for too much, too fast. Signs of an avoidant partner include being expressionless, having little or no emotional intimacy, treating you like an intimate partner but keeping you at arm's length, ignoring you for long periods, being secretive, and having unpredictable behavior.
So, why do avoidant and anxious partners attract each other? It's all about confirmation bias! Anxious types pair with avoidant individuals because avoidant people behave in a dismissive way, and anxious partners make them feel smothered. This confirms their beliefs in what a relationship should look like. However, it's not a case of "opposites attract" - it's a case of "like-sees-like". Anxious people choose partners that won't give them what they want, keeping themselves in familiar, unhealthy patterns, what I call "the validation trap".
Anxious individuals are practicing the validation trap by choosing partners that don't look too closely. They remain safely spinning in a relationship pattern that is familiar to them: I'm trying to validate myself to someone else, in order to gain approval, and experience a validating affirmation of my worthiness, which I probably never received as a child. It's hard to break out of this pattern, because if you do, you don't know who you are or how to defend your "right" to be who you are, need what you need, or want what you want. On the other hand, avoidant individuals truly are anxious. If they didn't feel anxious, they wouldn't be avoidant. However, avoidant individuals have varying degrees of awareness surrounding their anxiety, what they think it is, and how they arrived at it. Rolling Stones usually were taught to systematically repress and cut themselves off from their emotions, making it hard for them to access them. Spice of Lifers are often aware of their inner conflicts, but they experience a lot of confusion around their emotions and struggle to control them.
In short, we are trying to get the relationship we didn't get as children. Our wounded inner child is often aroused and stimulated in these types of relationships. Well-known relationship expert, Harville Hendrix, explains this spark of attraction as meeting your "Imago" partner - someone whom you instinctively know will replicate your past attachment relationships. Subconsciously, you're trying to "correct" what went wrong in your past. But instead of fixing anything, you're continuing the cycle.
So, what does it feel like to date an anxious or avoidant partner? You might find yourself dating the same type of person, with partners who don't appreciate you, show up with fireworks one day and disappear without explanation the next, treat you like an intimate partner but don't give you any physical intimacy, only seem interested in sex but exclude you from other aspects of their lives, avoid labeling the relationship and make you feel neurotic for needing it, behave in a needlessly secretive fashion, ignore you for weeks then text "miss you" at 2am, or be intrusive while monitoring every move you make, extremely demanding, sensitive, negative, controlling, disrespectful of your boundaries, expect you to read their mind and blow up when you don't, hot one minute and cold the next. If you keep dating people who show these qualities, you may be stuck in the anxious-avoidant trap - a roller coaster relationship fueled by insecure attachment styles.
The anxious-avoidant trap can be difficult to escape, but it's not impossible! To spot and correct it, understand your attachment style and how it manifests in your behaviors. Once you understand your triggers and your partner's triggers, communicate without triggering them. Treat avoidant partners by helping them feel the reassurances they are looking for, showing respect and acknowledging their behavior, and finding common ground around whatever issue or situation is at hand. Treat anxious partners by showing consistency, being supportive, and proving you don't want to change or control them by pointing out specific things that you love about them.
Ending the anxious-avoidant dance requires paying attention to how you show up. Set clear boundaries, be the braver partner, stop operating from a place of "perceived potential", and stop avoiding your own problems by trying to solve someone else's. And remember, if you can't find security within yourself, you can't find it in anyone else.
So, Brené Brown says, "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome." Have the courage, and you just might find a secure attachment style and a healthier, happier relationship.
Don't forget to take the attachment style quiz to find out more about yourself and your relationship!
- Struggling to build trust in a relationship due to an anxious partner's constant questioning can be challenging, but understanding your attachment style and working on communication can bring about healing.
- Art might serve as an effective tool for addressing the trauma of insecure relationships, offering a new avenue for emotional expression and connection.
- Both anxious and avoidant attachment styles can hinder intimacy, making it important to understand each other's emotional needs and establish boundaries in relationships.
- Engaging in therapy and self-development, such as education on mental health and personal growth, can help individuals overcome their avoidant behaviors and foster healthy relationships.
- Secure attachment styles are essential for healthy relationships, as they promote trust, open communication, and boundary setting, ultimately leading to a happy, balanced lifestyle.
- The anxious-avoidant dance arises from confirmation bias and the validation trap, but with personal growth and self-awareness, individuals can break free from these patterns and form secure attachments.
- In secure relationships, partners respect each other's boundaries while fostering emotional intimacy, creating a strong foundation built on trust, understanding, and mutual respect.
- Science plays a crucial role in understanding attachment styles and their impact on relationships, providing insights into the neurobiology of emotions and offering evidence-based strategies for relationship healing and growth.
- Juggling the demands of a relationship with an anxious or avoidant partner can manifest in prolonged bouts of loneliness and emotional instability, highlighting the importance of self-care and maintaining mental health.
- By embracing vulnerability, acknowledging our emotional needs, and committing to open communication and personal growth, we can work towards forming secure attachments and cultivating healthy, fulfilling relationships.
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